Mumblings of a Muddled Mind

I like to write about what matters to me and to raise awareness for mental health. I suffer from mental illness but that does not define who I am.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Wowwee..It's damn hot for May.

I am thankful for the fan I have blowing over my head and for the coolness of my house at the moment. I can hear my neighbours whiny daughter splashing in the kiddie pool outside. She has the most annoying high-pitched whine I have ever heard on a kid. I can't blame her for it entirely however because if you heard the way her mother screams and yells at those kids, you'd probably sound like that too.

I'd be in that pool right now if I had a muzzle or something-something.

We went away for the long weekend to Gordon's family cottage which actually consists of three trailers that are permanently built into three adjoining sites in a park near Parry Sound. The trip takes about five hours of driving to get there.

I was pretty excited. The weather was looking decent and ended up being really hot.

The downer was that on the way up, my daughter came down with strep throat. The poor girl! She was so looking forward to swimming and fishing and so were we. She did a whole lot of sleeping and colouring in a book instead. The hospital in Parry Sound was so freakin efficient. We were in and out of there in half an hour.

I didn't end up going swimming or fishing so she wouldn't feel left out and neither did my husband. It was pretty uneventful and laid-back.

Last week I had and appointment with a new psychiatrist. It's been a while since I have seen a proper one who didn't just push me out the door with pills and the latest trendy diagnosis. He seems to think I have long-standing PTSD (duh) and that I also suffer from something called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). He wants to meet with me more to actually confirm this, however and so I have another apt coming up in a week. He recommended I read a book called "Sometimes I Act Crazy" ( I laughed my arse off at the title) so I went out and bought it. It's pretty damn accurate a description of me and my thought and behavioural patterns. Who knows, maybe I will finally find some answers I have been looking for all of this time. I am slightly optimistic but I kind of have trust issues with so-called medical professionals.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Cemetery Gates

Alright, this tune was absolutely written about my situation with my mom's death and all. I SWEAR Phil Anselmo had some sort of psychic dream and this song was created from it. lol
Ok, probably not as it was released before my mom's suicide but holy crap do the words ever ring true with me and what I was going through. After my mom died I don't think I went to the cemetery for years until I could finally bring myself to do so.

Reverend, reverend,
Is this a conspiracy?
Crucified for no sins
No revenge... beneath me.
Lost within my plans for life,
It all seems so unreal.
I'm a man cut in half in this world,
Left in my misery.

The reverend he turned to me
Without a tear in his eyes.
Its nothing new for him to see,
I didn't ask him why.
I will remember...
The love our souls had sworn to make.
Now I watch the falling rain
All my mind can see now is your (face).

Well I guess
You took my youth
And gave it all away.
Like the birth of a new found joy,
This love would end in rage...
And when she died
I couldn't cry,
The pride within my soul.
You left me incomplete
All alone as the memories now unfold.

Believe the word.
I will unlock my door...
And pass the cemetery gates.

Sometimes when I'm alone,
I wonder aloud,
If you're watching over me
Some place far abound.
I must reverse my life
I can't live in the past.
Then set my soul free,
Belong to me at last.

Through all those complex years,
I thought I was alone.
I didn't care to look around,
And make this world my own.
And when she died,
I should've cried and spared myself some pain.
You left me incomplete,
All alone as the memories still remain.

The way we were,
The chance to save my soul...
And my concern is now in vain.
Believe the word,
I will unlock my door,
And pass the cemetery gates

Mother's Day

Happy mother's day to all you mommas out there. It snowed last night MAY. Retarded.

Today is an interesting day for me. I spent a long time after my mother died, getting drunk as fuck or stoned on whatever so that I wouldn't feel or think during this day of celebrating mothers. I was pissed off at mine for leaving me so it was never a happy day for me.

That all changed to a degree when I found out I was going to be a mom myself. Now this day is filled with mixed emotions. Part of me still wants to partake in my old debauchery ritual but there's also a big part that actually likes mother's day now. I no longer hate my mother so I just get sad instead of angry when I think of her and all she has missed. I wish so bad that she could be here just so I could tell her that I love her very much and I never meant it when I said I hated her. It bothers me a lot that she died probably thinking that I hated her, then again I have been told that she probably knew in her heart that I was just acting out as kids often do.

I know how icky inside it made me feel when my daughter would say that she would rather go live with her father. At the time it hurt like a bitch but in retrospect, of course she wanted to live with him instead. He has very little rules at his place and she was only seeing him on weekends when it's happy funtime. I must have looked and felt like a big strict meanie for making her do her homework, making sure she was eating well, and having to punish her for bad behaviour. Oh well, when she is older, I know she will appreciate what I do. Now that I am older, I understand and appreciate the things my mother did for me that I thought was unfair at the time.

I love my daughter very much and I can only hope that I am doing a good job as a mother to her. Sometimes I think maybe I am too over protective and I really hate punishing her but I have to. Such is life and life goes on.

I miss you today my little angel, and I can't wait until you get back home from your father's place. It's lonely here without you. XOXO

Friday, May 7, 2010


Everything I touch falls apart.
I eat away at it until all that's left are gaping, painful sores.
I'm a pretty poison, people like to touch me.
I will burn them, and burn them deep.
Bottle me up and put me away somewhere dark and safe.
Tattoo me with a warning, paint me black like my soul.
Lock me up and throw away the key.
Beautiful on the outside, but seething with liquid destruction on the inside.
Don't open me up, you'll be sorry.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Awwww No Wonder!

Thanks to a lovely new uhhm, invention, I think we will be seeing a drop in the divorce rate soon enough! You know those silly husbands and their penchant for dutch-ovens is the real reason so many couples are divorced more often as of late. Couple that with the increase of fast-food consumption these days and blammo! You have a dutch-oven recipe for disaster and a fast track to divorcee land. With this newfangled bedding, you too can save your marriage from certain death by stinkage. Thank you Better Marriage Blanket.