Mumblings of a Muddled Mind

I like to write about what matters to me and to raise awareness for mental health. I suffer from mental illness but that does not define who I am.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

Happy mother's day to all you mommas out there. It snowed last night MAY. Retarded.

Today is an interesting day for me. I spent a long time after my mother died, getting drunk as fuck or stoned on whatever so that I wouldn't feel or think during this day of celebrating mothers. I was pissed off at mine for leaving me so it was never a happy day for me.

That all changed to a degree when I found out I was going to be a mom myself. Now this day is filled with mixed emotions. Part of me still wants to partake in my old debauchery ritual but there's also a big part that actually likes mother's day now. I no longer hate my mother so I just get sad instead of angry when I think of her and all she has missed. I wish so bad that she could be here just so I could tell her that I love her very much and I never meant it when I said I hated her. It bothers me a lot that she died probably thinking that I hated her, then again I have been told that she probably knew in her heart that I was just acting out as kids often do.

I know how icky inside it made me feel when my daughter would say that she would rather go live with her father. At the time it hurt like a bitch but in retrospect, of course she wanted to live with him instead. He has very little rules at his place and she was only seeing him on weekends when it's happy funtime. I must have looked and felt like a big strict meanie for making her do her homework, making sure she was eating well, and having to punish her for bad behaviour. Oh well, when she is older, I know she will appreciate what I do. Now that I am older, I understand and appreciate the things my mother did for me that I thought was unfair at the time.

I love my daughter very much and I can only hope that I am doing a good job as a mother to her. Sometimes I think maybe I am too over protective and I really hate punishing her but I have to. Such is life and life goes on.

I miss you today my little angel, and I can't wait until you get back home from your father's place. It's lonely here without you. XOXO


  1. Well everyone hopes they are raising their kids the best they can. The best you can do is all you can do, just love em and they will turn out ok!

    Happy Mothers day!

  2. Now you have another reason to love mother's day! A husband to wait on you hand and foot and cook you dinner and make you cake ;) <3

    I too wish that your mother could be here though, It would have been really cool to meet her :)

  3. I think the dead forgive us everything, Andie. I'm sure your mom knows that you didn't mean what you said.



  4. I agree with SB. I think your mom knows you loved her. Anyway, Mom's day has been wierd for me always. Thanks for posting. <3