Mumblings of a Muddled Mind

I like to write about what matters to me and to raise awareness for mental health. I suffer from mental illness but that does not define who I am.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Hi, I Am Andie

And I am an alcoholic/addict.

Yeah yeah.

I picked up another desire chip at a meeting last night.
I didn't think I was ready to quit it again but then something pops up that makes you either reconsider your position on something or forces you into reconsidering it.

I have attempted to eradicate alcohol from my life twice before and this will be my third time. They say the third time's a charm but I don't believe in that jargon so I hope for myself that I can stay committed for this third time and make it last.

One thing you learn early on is that you have to live "One Day At A Time" and that is difficult for me to do. I have been worried about the future and possible things that may or may not happen in the future, for most of my life. I used to cry at night because I couldn't sleep due to being too worried my Nanna was going to die some day or that I would make a mistake on the spelling test I was sure to ace the next day in school. I have no idea why I did and still do this. I need to learn how not to think this way and just be happy for today. I may have some loose control over events that may happen in the future such as career choices but even those are not solid. People get laid-off and fired all of the time for various reasons. So what if that happens to me? I have to stop thinking that the worst possible scenario is going to happen and just live. It's hard living this way and it's counter-productive. I can't learn to live if I don't actually try to do so in the first place.

When I was a kid my mother stayed at home with me until I was eight and then she took a course to re-certify herself in the secretarial industry. She did so well that they hired her on and then unfortunate things happened and she got laid off for very trivial reasons. She was crushed and I saw just what can happen if you choose something and then have it fail so badly for you, that you never recover and it's a catalyst to your extreme unhappiness. Yikes. Scary stuff. I suppose that might be the root of why I have not really pursued anything career-wise. I am afraid to commit to it and have it all backfire in my face. I also saw my two older cousins graduate from University both in the chemistry field and not have any job opportunities open to them afterward. I suppose that deterred me as well. What also did it was that I lost my love of academia when my mom passed away. I couldn't focus right and I was just not interested in becoming anything special any longer without my mother there to witness it. I was a people pleaser at a young age. I loved to see how proud my mother was of me as she devoted her entire life to me while neglecting her own and I also liked the positive attention it brought with it.

I had not planned on going back to meetings so soon. I was still to pissed off at myself and proud to admit that I had screwed up my sobriety yet again, but like I said, sometimes things just happen and force you into facing your bullshit. My friend is approaching her one year (yay! I am very proud of her) and she was asked to speak at an open-speaker meeting last night. She was absolutely dreading doing it but I guess she knew one day she'd have to get it over with so she agreed. I messaged her the other day and she told me she was speaking at the meeting and I told her I wanted to go to be there for her. I know I would want the same as I am very afraid of speaking in public but more so when it has to do with a lot of personal baggage and failure. So I went and I realised I had missed it a great lot. I grabbed my chip and got a bunch of congratulatory handshakes at the end. My friend had nothing to worry about because she did a great job of speaking; she was to the point and she story was inspiring, so I have no idea why she worked herself up so before the meeting (oh wait, yes I do!). Now what I need to do is find a sponsor who lives close to me and actually work with the program instead of half-assing it like I did last time.

Being completely sober scares me. I don't know how to do it for long periods of time. If it's not the booze, it's something else. Mostly smoking herb but the kicker with that is that it actually helps my IBS a freakin' tonne. I have tried the other methods of getting the pain to stop when I have an attack but that always helps me. The problem with that is, because I seem to have an addictive personality and a hate-on for living completely sober, I tend to want to smoke more than I actually need to help me. I am just going to have to suck it up and deal with the pain because smoking too much makes me very unmotivated. It also makes me feel like I am cheating when I go to meetings and claim to be sober. I am at the meetings but that doesn't mean I haven't smoked after them. That totally defeats the purpose of working the program to the fullest, I think.


  1. Good luck, Andie. I probably need to quit driking, but I am not ready to do it yet. My life hasn't become unmanageable enough yet. Laugh.

    Sending love,


  2. I'm with SB, so I admire you. Good luck!

  3. Again I love your honnesty. I drink sometimes to escape. I'm so socially ackward that at times I need a few drinks to feel like a normal stop the anxiety.
    Another addiction is eating. I eat when I'm depressed, I eat out of boredom....I used to smoke(not weed but tobacco). Now I've quit that but I have alot of demons in my closet. Some day I'll write about all of it.

  4. Thanks guys..I need the support, that's for sure! :D
    So much easier said than done eh.

    Yeah..HB: Social situations are killer for me..that is when I feel the need to drink the most. :/

  5. Good luck Andie! Your blog post was an eye opening read. I do wish you the best of luck with this, keep us updated? There can be recovery though understating it - its a rocky, hellish road. My mother was a chronic alcoholic during my childhood though with a few stints at rehab managed to turn her life around, my father currently still drinking into his old age. I too have abused alcohol though my main problem is harder illegal drugs though they all serve the same purpose.

    A sentence that stands out to me is - "I couldn't focus right and I was just not interested in becoming anything special any longer without my mother there to witness it"

    Always remember you mother is in your heart.

    Peace and love, Sarah

    (Please check out my blog? :) I'm new -