Mumblings of a Muddled Mind

I like to write about what matters to me and to raise awareness for mental health. I suffer from mental illness but that does not define who I am.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Random Late Night Ramblings...

I can't sleep tonight. My cramps this month are extra painful and I can't sleep well when I am in pain. I kept waking up and moving around in bed a bunch so I thought instead of waking my poor husband up all night, I would come down here and babble.

Right now I am trying to come to terms with the fact that a lot of the people I thought were friends of mine are really nothing but old drinking/partying buddies. I'm not sure if they ever really cared for me in the first place or not. I know I was a hoot to party with, that's for sure. It seems that once I got sober, they lost interest in me.

I am also realising that I am not as interested in what some of these people are into or up to any longer. I think they are shallow and gossip mongers. There was a time where I would hang out in a certain forum and chat with a bunch of girls from around here. Most often than not, conversations would turn into a big bitch-fest about so and so and how "messed up in the head" they were, or just plain old rumours would be spread. It was pretty much like trying to fit into an elite social club in high school. I never felt the need to do that then, so why did I feel that need a few years ago? I am sure when I left that evil website and deleted some of these girls off my facebook, I became that "messed up in the head" girl. Ahh well. It's a good way to weed out the bad friends!

I think it may have been a case of the low self esteems. I used to be fairly confident, I think. I mean I had body image issues but I was pretty confident that I was worthy of being friended. Actually, I didn't give a flying fuck about most people whom I did not already know and if they liked me, bonus, if not, fuck em. That was before I turned 20 however.

I think I may also have burned some bridges by not trying to be a good friend to some. It wasn't that I didn't care, because I love my close friends and those with whom I connect really well, it was that I got lazy and/or drunk. I'm also not the biggest phone person nor was I able to take public transit for a while due to anxiety and panic issues surrounding that. I guess it sort of limited me and I was too proud to admit it before it was too late with some.

C'est la vie, I suppose!

What matters most is that I do have a select group of friends that I feel comfortable enough talking to about my problems with and really, I don't have the time to keep up appearances with all of the people I once hang out with.

I am pretty lucky to have friends who stuck with me through thick and thin.

I love you guys.



  1. I still think you should not base your self image on what others think.. well except maybe me, lol.. since I'm your husband and I think you're totally hot and well worth it! You know I'll always be there with you through thick and thin, and so will all your REAL friends :D Love you darling!

  2. It's better to have a few real friends then a bunch of fair-weather motherfuckes. So sez I.


  3. TC..I think you are right and I love you lots!

    SB..I like what you sez.. :)